The PictureThat Broke Me Open

This is a photograph of me(on the right) and my cousin Sallay (co-owner of Amyang Fashun) at Afropunk NYC. Even now, I am cringing at the thought of publishing this. But I think it's important to highlight what this photo represents for me and my mission. This picture awoke in me a sense of inadequacy that I haven't felt since I first came up with the idea of Dream, Leap, Live, which is to support approval-addicted women in honoring themselves by pursuing their dreams fearlessly and without comparing their journeys to anyone else's. Looking at this picture forced  me to sit with a fear that has haunted me for years:the fear of being exposed as not having it all together. I took one look at this photo and decided that somehow I had failed at life because I didn't look like I had been photoshopped. I laid face-up in bed, two ears full of tears, and philosophizing  with my husband (gentle, patient soul that he is) about whether I am equipped to coach women through their perfectionism, insecurities, and need for external validation when I still do the occasional self-judgment dance myself.

Most people know me as pretty comfortable in my skin, and a lot of the time I am. But looking at this picture let me know that I have a LOT more work to do on accepting myself fully. My discomfort with this picture is not about me needing to lose weight  or tighten and tone my abs, though that's the first place my mind went when I looked at it.  The hard truth is that until I feel as accepting of myself--flaws and all-- as I am motivated by my mission (empowering 10,000 women to get free from the need for other's approval and pursue their dreams unapologetically), I will continue to hold myself back. Poor self-perception will lead me to sabotage my own growth and keep me from living my most delicious life. So that shit needs to stop NOW. I truly believe that I was called to lead women on the journey to self-acceptance and self-expression, so I need to run out of Self-Shame Swamp and into the field of  Fierce, Free, and Fearless.

I want to get to a place where how I see myself trumps everything else, and where I am so busy living up to my own standards that I don't feel  pressure to meet anyone else's. I'm done hiding the "ugly" parts of me. I'm done apologizing for the things that I need to work on. It's up to me to continue doing the work and love myself the whole time. I am not broken. I don't need to be fixed. I was blessed with many gifts and talents that I am happy to share with the world, and if, for whatever reason, someone is too distracted by my jelly to appreciate that, then they can happily kick rocks and rain on somebody else's parade. I dare to show up in the world as a less-than-perfect work in progress, because I know who I really am and what I'm here to do. I know that the woman I need to become to accomplish my mission would never be defeated just because she didn't match someone else's criteria; she would create her own!

This picture and my reactions to it say so much.It's all out there on the table for you: I am a flawed human being. I sometimes compare myself to the women I see in music videos and at the gym. I get insecure. I fantasize about having a flat stomach, radiant skin,  more manageable hair, and  a 26-inch waist. But in the real world-- you know, that place that you and I live in right now--I have a 31-inch waist, a somewhat squishy midriff, occasional breakouts, and kinky coarse hair that does what it feels like doing. And neither my worth nor my deliciousness are affected by any of these things. No matter how I may occur to others, no matter how others may see me, as long as I am accepting of and loving toward myself, I am on track for a life that feels like a luxurious staycation. And isn't that what it's all about?

* I wanna hear from you: What have you been fighting to hide? What kind of person would you need to become to accept that part of you, and how would your life open up if you did? Let me know in the Comments. 

Stop hustling for acceptance!

When I tell people that I teach  people-pleasing women how to identify and ask for what they want, the follow-up question is often "How do you know who to work with?"  The easiest way for me to describe a people-pleaser is this: anyone who says "Yes" when she means "No," or who would rather say "No" to herself than disappoint someone else. Watch this to determine whether you have been bitten by the People-Pleasing Bug.

Women are trained from a young age to make themselves available to everyone but themselves. They may volunteer for projects that they know they don't have time to work on. Or delay major life decisions for fear that they'll disappoint or hurt someone else. Many women (myself included) have even sabotaged life-changing opportunities for fear of being perceived as self-centered. People pleasing makes women go out of their way to avoid being labeled as "selfish," and it builds resentment and bitterness, two huge no-no's for personal growth. Women can make themselves sick working to maintain their reputation of selfless generosity. Something has to give.

Approval addiction is real. People-pleasers are motivated by a sense of obligation, and constantly putting others before yourself can be a hard addiction to break. Most people want to be seen, validated, and  appreciated. But when you become obsessed with being liked or accepted, your self-respect slowly deteriorates, until you're  left with just the shell of who you used to be. Hard truth:You can't be a people-pleaser without also being a fraud. It's hard to remember who you are when you're constantly agonizing over what other people will say or think about you. So get clear on who you are (not to be confused with how you want to occur to others), accept that you can't be everything to everyone, and steal your life back!

Self-possession (the freedom that comes with knowing, accepting, and loving who you are)  becomes possible when you find the courage to make tough choices, even if they are unpopular. When you say "No" and mean it, you may be greeted with shock or upset. But when you are truly secure in your identity, you  come to understand that your alignment and integrity are more important than external validation. Every time you stand for yourself, you communicate that your needs matter. And when you refuse to apologize for who you are and what you want, you make clear that you matter, which makes it easy for others to fall in line and act accordingly.

People-pleasing makes it impossible for you to evolve into the woman you could have been before society told you who to be.Reclaim your right to be a woman you admire. Give yourself permission to set boundaries, take breaks, revisit your passions, and do things that feel good for you. Eliminate that "apology energy" that makes it difficult for you to demand more of your relationships, career, personal development, or your sex life.Let yourself fall in love with life's endless possibilities. To be clear: the decision to stop people-pleasing is not about being selfish;it's about showing self-respect. When you commit to your boundaries, others may pout and manipulate to try to lure you back into the people-pleasing cycle. And you may feel tempted to cave in and avoid conflict. But don't do it, girl. Resist the urge! Stand strong.Honor your commitment to freedom.And please believe the world will adjust.

Recharge, Refresh and Rejuvenate Your Life

Dear Adama,

What do you suggest as good mental health activities? I need a good, affordable recharge.-Fried & Pushed Aside

Dear Fried,

It sounds to me like you need some extreme self-care. I shared a self-care plan on my Facebook page (see it here) that was designed by Andrea Dombecki, Reiki Master Teacher and Angel Therapy Practitioner (details here). A self-care plan can bring peace to a hectic routine and  rejuvenate you when you feel drained; the activities listed in Andrea Dombecki's plan help to prevent burnout and compassion fatigue when you find yourself overextended, over-committed, and burned out.
 In "Working to Cure my Disease to Please"(check it out here) I explained that  freedom is recognizing that you owe it to yourself to make life fun. Self-care plans create more freedom because they force you to carve out time for things that you enjoy. Quality "Me Time" is the only antidote to spreading yourself thin, and it helps you show up more in your relationships and at work. When you are intentional about setting aside time just for you, you have more energy to handle everyday challenges, and you communicate to others that your time and your needs matter.
So how exactly do you start implementing this self-care plan? Make a date with yourself. Every week.I recommend setting aside two hours (20 minutes daily, 2 hours all at once, or however you see fit) to do something sensually empowering, something that makes you use as many of your senses as possible. Get outside if you can.If you have time and access, take a trip to the beach. If not, go to a thrift store, museum, art festival, or a bakery.You can mix and match activities from different sections of Andrea's plan, or choose one activity per week.Use this time to nurture your inner child and channel your creative energy. Be mindful of any resistance that comes up.This time is meant for you, but you may be tempted to invite a friend so you're not alone with your thoughts. Also, if you feel that 2 hours is too long, get real about why you think you don't deserve that pampering.Get really present to what's going on around you and inside you.
If you feel like it's time for you to "press Refresh" on your life, put yourself on your calendar.  Physical exercise, sightseeing, and meditation  are  just a few examples of ways to clear your mind and de-stress. Set self-care appointments (at minimum, once a week) to help you heal and recover from the week. Julia Cameron, author of The Artist's Way--(artist or not, this is a delicious read!)-- calls it an "Artist's Date." I call it "Me Time."You can call it whatever you want, just make sure to honor it--and yourself! Good luck on your self-care journey!

Love,
Dama