7 Tips for Curing your Approval Addiction

Dear Adama, 

I feel like too much of my self-esteem is tied to how other people perceive me. I care too much about what other people think of me. How can I change this?-Too Eager to Please

Dear  Too Eager,

The easiest way to unhook from other people's praise or criticism is to decide that you are enough regardless of how others perceive you. I understand that this is easier said than done.  But think about it this way:If you act a certain way to get people to like you,then you'll feel pressure to keep up the act. And no one can be "on" 100% of the time.So, let me give you a few tips for curing your approval addiction. Take what works, and ignore what doesn't. But understand that none of these tips will work unless you do!

• First, accept that you can't be everything to everyone. You're not gonna be everybody's cup of tea. And you don't need to be. It's better to be sincerely loved by people who find your authentic self delicious than to be admired for a beautiful facade.

• Identify your strong suits and assets so that you're not constantly looking to other people to tell you what you're good for. Write out a "Slay List" of  the things that you know  a lot about,  do or handle well, or get complimented on often, and refer to this list whenever you need a confidence boost. That way, you are in charge of validating you, not anyone else. 

• Identify  the 5 people that you spend the most time with, and make sure that none of them are assholes, emotional vampires, Debby Downers, energy drainers, or users that take and never give. If they are, shed that dead weight and replace them with people that support you and accept you as you are. 

• Distance yourself from people that you tend to compare yourself to. Comparison leads to you "should"-ing all over yourself and telling yourself that you're not good enough. NO BUENO.

• Give yourself permission to set boundaries. This means that you're allowed to say "No" when "Yes" doesn't match your schedule (or stress level). It means that you can (and should) take breaks when your body needs rest (even when you have convinced yourself that the world will end if you don't meet a deadline). And it means  that you are allowed to ask for what you want ( space, pleasure, self-care) and distance yourself from things that don't serve you.

• Acknowledge that the story you've told yourself about not being worthy is just that--a story--that no longer serves you, because you deserve to be free and self-expressed.Remember: No matter how many mistakes you make,  no matter how long it takes you to reach your goals, your self-worth is NEVER on the line. Doesn't it feel good to know that you don't have to DO anything to be worthy of love and connection? Yup. You're welcome. 

• Commit to taking leaps and trying new things--even things that you think you'll be bad at-- and trust that the Universe will reward you for it. 

As a recovering approval addict, I know all too well that unhooking from other people's expectations is no easy task. But it's so worth it. Your self-expressed, self-possessed, and self-confident self is begging you to start the journey. Happy trails!

Great Askers Make Great Getters: 8 Tools for Flexing Your Asking Muscles

At the heart of my confidence coaching work lies the belief that every woman deserves to live the juiciest, most delicious and fulfilling life that she can imagine. But living fully requires a commitment to demanding that your needs get met. And that can mean putting yourself out there (warning: may lead to a serious vulnerability hangover!) So my job as a Delicious Living Coach is to move my clients out of self-doubt and into self-possession so they can get comfortable asking for the things they've been denying themselves. Closed mouths don't get fed, and it makes me sad to think that there are countless women trudging through life hungry for joy but feeling unequipped to take back control of their lives. 

So, I have some thoughts that I wanted to share on how to flex your asking muscles. I feel confident that if you try on even ONE of these ideas, you'll feel more comfortable  asking for what you've earned and more confident accepting it. Take what you need and leave the rest.
1.IT IS NOT PUSHY TO ASK FOR WHAT YOU  WANT/HAVE EARNED/DESERVE. Men ask   aaall the time (salary, leg room on a plane, label-free sexual relationships). Many ask even when they're not sure that they've earned it--I know men that will apply for a position as long as they fit ONE of the requirements, and women who will refuse to apply because they are missing one of the requirements. Women  have a significantly lower sense of personal entitlement. Unfortunately, women's overall life satisfaction also tends to be lower. Coincidence? You know it's not...Self-care is self-preservation, so preserve thyself by asking for what you need! Hello!?!
2. If you can't be entitled, let your alter-ego do the work. Every once in a while I forget how dope I am, and I get uncomfortable negotiating for myself. So I call on Vanessa. Vanessa is a fierce, fearless, and unapologetic sexpot that is used to getting what she wants, so she has no trouble asking for things. She expects to get what she wants, so she very often does. I don't have to call on Vanessa too often,but when I do, I channel a master negotiator that knows how to walk through No's until she gets what she needs. Vanessa comes in handy in so many different contexts (getting free drinks at a bar, a teacher's discount at the coffee shop, using a coupon that has already expired). And, GIRL, let me tell you what an alter ego can do in the orgasm arena... but that's a whole different post...
3. Know your non-negotiables.Once you get clear on your deal-breakers, you will be able to recognize when a  relationship is going sour and nip that shit in the bud. You'll have the tools to ask for a relationship that aligns with your values and must-haves, and you won't keep blindly attracting walking toxins (losers, assholes, creeps, etc.) into your circle.
4. "You create your opportunities by asking for them."Patty Hansen (co-author of Chicken Soup for the Preteen Soul) said this. Sometimes we don't ask for things because it simply doesn't occur to us that we can. Don't worry about whether your request is "reasonable" or "realistic." Focus instead on how much you really want it. If you get clear about what it will cost you, your brain will get to work figuring out how to make it happen.
5. Your self-worth is NEVER on the line.  Women often mute themselves for fear that they'll be replaced by somebody less demanding or more compliant. I'm not here for it. No matter how high the stakes, and no matter what you're negotiating, your worth and value do not rise or fall by how many Yes's you get.   A "No" never means you're not good enough, it simply means that you asked the wrong person. So keep asking, just ask someone else!
6. Dreams are cute. Leaps are better. Breakthroughs don't happen when you deliberate; they happen when you take action and step out of your comfort zone. Leap and have faith that the Universe will catch you. The rewards may not be immediate, but they'll be worth it.
7.Negotiate as hard for yourself as you would for someone you love. You are everyone else's biggest cheerleader, but when it comes time to toot your own horn, you forget what you bring to the table. Stop that shit. Stop it right now.It's okay to want what you want. You deserve it. Remember that "Slay List" that I referenced in this post?  If you haven't written it out yet, get to work! If you have, feel free to review it when you need to remind yourself of the skills and assets you possess that up your bargaining power. Read it aloud. Often. Own your dopeness!
8.You deserve to be treated well, but it's up to you to make sure that you are. I said it before and I'll say it again: we teach other people how to treat us. It's up to you to make your life exciting. And it's up to you to determine what "exciting" looks like. But if you don't ask for the things that light you up, and if you settle for what you think you should be grateful for, you will lead an empty and drained life as a miserable shell of yourself.

In closing, the difference between women who are intoxicated with freedom and those that are burned out and bogged down by obligations is that the first group has the audacity to ask for the things that they want, the perseverance to work until they get it, and the confidence to believe that they deserve nothing less. As your Delicious Living Coach, I leave you with these tools and hope that you'll honor your commitment to freedom enough to at least try one of  them on. And if you know anyone that needs support on her journey to fierce and free, share the love!

10 Steps to Living Life Your Way

 As a recovering approval addict, I spent years trying to figure out how to live well without letting anyone else down, but that wasn't cutting it for me. I challenged myself to live fully, to thrive unapologetically, and to savor a life that felt good for me.Here are 10 steps that  I have taken (and that I recommend you take) on the road to delicious living. Take what you will, and feel free to add to this list in the comments.

1.Give yourself permission to dream big and ask for the things you truly desire.
You deserve to live a life that you don't need to run away from.  You deserve joy, freedom, and full self-expression. But closed mouths don't get fed. So ask for what you want, believe that you deserve it, and the Universe will conspire to make it yours. 

2. Get crystal clear on what a delicious life would look like for you.
There are many ways to go about this: vision boarding,  writing a bucket list, pinning on your Pinterest board, penning a "dream resume." I've even done work with women around writing their ideal obituary--morbid, I know, but super effective--to help them brainstorm goals and get clarity on what they would like to leave as their legacy.

3. Create an action plan.
Work backward from the end of your "dream life" to come up with a list of steps that you would need to take.  Break down bigger accomplishments into a series of baby steps to avoid getting overwhelmed. For example, if the bucket list item is "appear on Super Soul Sunday to discuss my best-selling book," you'll need to chunk it into one-day tasks like "come up with a list of 10 teaching topics or  areas of expertise," "write a list of 20 possible book titles," "research publishers," etc.

4. Adopt a "feel good" mantra/affirmation to get you through each day.
My favorites are "I don't need to impress anyone but myself," "Time expands to meet my needs," and "I deserve a delicious life." I like to say these things to myself when I'm feeling anxious, overwhelmed, or unmotivated to push past challenges. Feel free to recite your affirmation whenever you notice negative self-talk creeping in.
5. Write out your "Slay List." 
List 10 strengths, talents, assets, or innate abilities that make you stand out. These can be things that you get complimented on, things that you take pride in, or things that you could get paid to do. Next to each item, write down one way that you can use that skill/strength to attract the things you want into your life. Refer to this list when you need a reminder that you are on your way to your delicious life!  And if you have a hard time coming up with 10 strengths, brainstorm strengths or skills that could propel you toward your vision of a delicious life. Then identify one person in your network that either has that skill or can connect you to someone that does. Who says you can't #slaythegame with a little help from your friends?

6. Shed dead weight.
Speaking of friends, you cannot savor a truly blissful life if you are feeling weighed down by negative energy! Identify the energy drainers in your life. These include the friends that only call you to complain (about things that they know they have no intention of changing), the acquaintances that you can only handle in small doses, the family members that are dedicated to destroying your self-esteem, and co-workers that have nothing better to do than gossip. Slowly distance yourself from the emotional vampires that take but never give. Outsource boring or distracting tasks as often as possible, and replace soul-sucking activities with hobbies that light you up.
7. Build your team.
This step pairs with #6. The world's most successful women surround themselves with individuals that offer support, inspiration, encouragement, and accountability. They brainstorm with people that offer varied perspectives. And they aren't afraid to distance themselves from people who belittle their ambitions. If you are serious about committing to your vision, you'll need to get clear on who facilitates your growth and who keeps you small. You can do this by identifying the people in your life that you feel safe sharing your commitments with, distinguishing the people who keep you focused and on track from those who distract or take away, and finding a mentor that has enjoyed the level of success that you want. If money allows, I would recommend coaching, because an effective coach will hold your feet to the fire and ensure that you get out of your own way.

8. Identify your deal-breakers and non-negotiables.
Take 5 minutes (or longer, if you need it) to jot down a free-for-all list of all the things that matter to you in life. List all the things you care about; these are your values. After you have finished writing, choose your top 10 list items. These are your core values. Select 3 core values that stand out as non-negotiable, and commit to these values. Call yourself out whenever you make a decision that is out of alignment. For example, if one of your non-negotiables is sexual pleasure, then don't settle for bland, orgasm-less sex! And if respect is a non-negotiable, don't spend even one more second with anyone that makes you doubt your awesomeness or feel less-than-enough. Develop self-care rituals that help you recharge and stay present; self-care is self-love, so honor your needs and you'll inspire others to do the same.

9.Take leaps whenever possible.
Tara Mohr's Playing Big--great book for personal development junkies--talks about the importance of taking leaps, or  doing things that scare you but propel you toward your goal. Every leap you take communicates to the Universe that you are bigger than your fears, and when you decide to take action in spite of your fear, the Universe will make concessions.
10.Give yourself permission to fail.

We all fuck up. Sometimes on an epic level.  But if you really want to play bigger in life, you have to take risks and be willing to fall on your face. You can't get what you desire most if you're not willing to put yourself out there. Self-doubt will have you hide behind your perfectionism, claiming that you're not "ready," or that you need more time. Girl. You don't need any more classes. You don't need that certificate. You don't need to put all your ducks in a row, so  you can give up your need to "look good" or do things perfectly. Perfectionism is just  procrastination in designer clothes, so stop stalling and go for yours! 

There you have it. Ten ways to attract your most delicious life. These tips are like a paycheck that you can only cash by getting to work. So go for yours and  start designing a life that feels like a staycation! 

10 Blogs That Help Me Find My Life (and Can Help you Find Yours)

First things first: I am a personal development junkie. I EAT self-development books and spend a lot of time looking up inspirational videos and blogs. Of all the blogs on my queue, the following 10 have been most helpful for getting me out of my own head and into action. I hope that at least one of these blogs gives you power and fuel when you most need it.

1.HappyBlackWoman-Rosetta Thurman is my mentor, Spirit Guide, and the blogger I would most like to sip bourbon and shoot the shit with. (Open invitation: Rosetta, what's good?) This woman left a safe, steady 9-5 to build an empire that supports women in their transition to a location-independent lifestyle. She is kicking ass and taking names, and she  refuses to apologize for it! Plus, she rocks a full and fluffy fro (#teamnatural) that gives me LIFE! Yaaaaas, queen! Slay on!

2.Tara Sophia Mohr-Tara Mohr, author of Playing Big, is an expert on women's leadership. Her blog (and the book) have helped me to get clear on how to support my clients in unhooking from other people's expectations so they can live a life that feels good. If you're tired of sitting on your passion (or your ass!) and ready to take bold action toward the life you've always dreamed about, go 'head and check out this blog.You're welcome.

3.The Crunk Feminist Collective- Because... life. Enjoy eight brilliant women snatching edges with zero remorse.

4.The Good Therapy Blog- This blog was created to reduce stigma around therapy and encourage healthy explorations of mental health treatment options. Full of how-to's and advice for navigating difficult transitions. We take care of physical pain almost immediately, but neglect our mental health because we feel it's not as important, or it shouldn't be an issue. Stop it.Check out some of these posts, and please share with anyone that might need some extra support.

5.Heidi Powell-She's a trainer from Extreme Weight Loss who blogs to teach women how to love who they are. She offers fitness support, daily inspiration, and healthy recipes. If you're tryna get tight and right in mind and body, mosey on over to her site.

6. Kale and Chocolate-Mind/body nutrition to help you savor your life. Can be helpful in changing your relationship to food.

7.Marie Forleo-Business and marketing strategies plus a little extra to help you infuse more fun into each day. She's been on Oprah, so you know she's the real deal, honey!

8. 8 Women Dream-Encourages women from all walks of life to go after their dreams. I appreciate the reminders that my dreams are valid and possible.

9. Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts- Offers self-care tips and reminds me how fabulous I am!

10. Live Bold and Bloom- This blog offers self-improvement and confidence coaching when you need to remind yourself that you got it going on. Cause you do!

Read and be merry! And let me know  which blogs really speak to you! Happy Monday!

The PictureThat Broke Me Open

This is a photograph of me(on the right) and my cousin Sallay (co-owner of Amyang Fashun) at Afropunk NYC. Even now, I am cringing at the thought of publishing this. But I think it's important to highlight what this photo represents for me and my mission. This picture awoke in me a sense of inadequacy that I haven't felt since I first came up with the idea of Dream, Leap, Live, which is to support approval-addicted women in honoring themselves by pursuing their dreams fearlessly and without comparing their journeys to anyone else's. Looking at this picture forced  me to sit with a fear that has haunted me for years:the fear of being exposed as not having it all together. I took one look at this photo and decided that somehow I had failed at life because I didn't look like I had been photoshopped. I laid face-up in bed, two ears full of tears, and philosophizing  with my husband (gentle, patient soul that he is) about whether I am equipped to coach women through their perfectionism, insecurities, and need for external validation when I still do the occasional self-judgment dance myself.

Most people know me as pretty comfortable in my skin, and a lot of the time I am. But looking at this picture let me know that I have a LOT more work to do on accepting myself fully. My discomfort with this picture is not about me needing to lose weight  or tighten and tone my abs, though that's the first place my mind went when I looked at it.  The hard truth is that until I feel as accepting of myself--flaws and all-- as I am motivated by my mission (empowering 10,000 women to get free from the need for other's approval and pursue their dreams unapologetically), I will continue to hold myself back. Poor self-perception will lead me to sabotage my own growth and keep me from living my most delicious life. So that shit needs to stop NOW. I truly believe that I was called to lead women on the journey to self-acceptance and self-expression, so I need to run out of Self-Shame Swamp and into the field of  Fierce, Free, and Fearless.

I want to get to a place where how I see myself trumps everything else, and where I am so busy living up to my own standards that I don't feel  pressure to meet anyone else's. I'm done hiding the "ugly" parts of me. I'm done apologizing for the things that I need to work on. It's up to me to continue doing the work and love myself the whole time. I am not broken. I don't need to be fixed. I was blessed with many gifts and talents that I am happy to share with the world, and if, for whatever reason, someone is too distracted by my jelly to appreciate that, then they can happily kick rocks and rain on somebody else's parade. I dare to show up in the world as a less-than-perfect work in progress, because I know who I really am and what I'm here to do. I know that the woman I need to become to accomplish my mission would never be defeated just because she didn't match someone else's criteria; she would create her own!

This picture and my reactions to it say so much.It's all out there on the table for you: I am a flawed human being. I sometimes compare myself to the women I see in music videos and at the gym. I get insecure. I fantasize about having a flat stomach, radiant skin,  more manageable hair, and  a 26-inch waist. But in the real world-- you know, that place that you and I live in right now--I have a 31-inch waist, a somewhat squishy midriff, occasional breakouts, and kinky coarse hair that does what it feels like doing. And neither my worth nor my deliciousness are affected by any of these things. No matter how I may occur to others, no matter how others may see me, as long as I am accepting of and loving toward myself, I am on track for a life that feels like a luxurious staycation. And isn't that what it's all about?

* I wanna hear from you: What have you been fighting to hide? What kind of person would you need to become to accept that part of you, and how would your life open up if you did? Let me know in the Comments. 

Stop hustling for acceptance!

When I tell people that I teach  people-pleasing women how to identify and ask for what they want, the follow-up question is often "How do you know who to work with?"  The easiest way for me to describe a people-pleaser is this: anyone who says "Yes" when she means "No," or who would rather say "No" to herself than disappoint someone else. Watch this to determine whether you have been bitten by the People-Pleasing Bug.

Women are trained from a young age to make themselves available to everyone but themselves. They may volunteer for projects that they know they don't have time to work on. Or delay major life decisions for fear that they'll disappoint or hurt someone else. Many women (myself included) have even sabotaged life-changing opportunities for fear of being perceived as self-centered. People pleasing makes women go out of their way to avoid being labeled as "selfish," and it builds resentment and bitterness, two huge no-no's for personal growth. Women can make themselves sick working to maintain their reputation of selfless generosity. Something has to give.

Approval addiction is real. People-pleasers are motivated by a sense of obligation, and constantly putting others before yourself can be a hard addiction to break. Most people want to be seen, validated, and  appreciated. But when you become obsessed with being liked or accepted, your self-respect slowly deteriorates, until you're  left with just the shell of who you used to be. Hard truth:You can't be a people-pleaser without also being a fraud. It's hard to remember who you are when you're constantly agonizing over what other people will say or think about you. So get clear on who you are (not to be confused with how you want to occur to others), accept that you can't be everything to everyone, and steal your life back!

Self-possession (the freedom that comes with knowing, accepting, and loving who you are)  becomes possible when you find the courage to make tough choices, even if they are unpopular. When you say "No" and mean it, you may be greeted with shock or upset. But when you are truly secure in your identity, you  come to understand that your alignment and integrity are more important than external validation. Every time you stand for yourself, you communicate that your needs matter. And when you refuse to apologize for who you are and what you want, you make clear that you matter, which makes it easy for others to fall in line and act accordingly.

People-pleasing makes it impossible for you to evolve into the woman you could have been before society told you who to be.Reclaim your right to be a woman you admire. Give yourself permission to set boundaries, take breaks, revisit your passions, and do things that feel good for you. Eliminate that "apology energy" that makes it difficult for you to demand more of your relationships, career, personal development, or your sex life.Let yourself fall in love with life's endless possibilities. To be clear: the decision to stop people-pleasing is not about being selfish;it's about showing self-respect. When you commit to your boundaries, others may pout and manipulate to try to lure you back into the people-pleasing cycle. And you may feel tempted to cave in and avoid conflict. But don't do it, girl. Resist the urge! Stand strong.Honor your commitment to freedom.And please believe the world will adjust.

Recharge, Refresh and Rejuvenate Your Life

Dear Adama,

What do you suggest as good mental health activities? I need a good, affordable recharge.-Fried & Pushed Aside

Dear Fried,

It sounds to me like you need some extreme self-care. I shared a self-care plan on my Facebook page (see it here) that was designed by Andrea Dombecki, Reiki Master Teacher and Angel Therapy Practitioner (details here). A self-care plan can bring peace to a hectic routine and  rejuvenate you when you feel drained; the activities listed in Andrea Dombecki's plan help to prevent burnout and compassion fatigue when you find yourself overextended, over-committed, and burned out.
 In "Working to Cure my Disease to Please"(check it out here) I explained that  freedom is recognizing that you owe it to yourself to make life fun. Self-care plans create more freedom because they force you to carve out time for things that you enjoy. Quality "Me Time" is the only antidote to spreading yourself thin, and it helps you show up more in your relationships and at work. When you are intentional about setting aside time just for you, you have more energy to handle everyday challenges, and you communicate to others that your time and your needs matter.
So how exactly do you start implementing this self-care plan? Make a date with yourself. Every week.I recommend setting aside two hours (20 minutes daily, 2 hours all at once, or however you see fit) to do something sensually empowering, something that makes you use as many of your senses as possible. Get outside if you can.If you have time and access, take a trip to the beach. If not, go to a thrift store, museum, art festival, or a bakery.You can mix and match activities from different sections of Andrea's plan, or choose one activity per week.Use this time to nurture your inner child and channel your creative energy. Be mindful of any resistance that comes up.This time is meant for you, but you may be tempted to invite a friend so you're not alone with your thoughts. Also, if you feel that 2 hours is too long, get real about why you think you don't deserve that pampering.Get really present to what's going on around you and inside you.
If you feel like it's time for you to "press Refresh" on your life, put yourself on your calendar.  Physical exercise, sightseeing, and meditation  are  just a few examples of ways to clear your mind and de-stress. Set self-care appointments (at minimum, once a week) to help you heal and recover from the week. Julia Cameron, author of The Artist's Way--(artist or not, this is a delicious read!)-- calls it an "Artist's Date." I call it "Me Time."You can call it whatever you want, just make sure to honor it--and yourself! Good luck on your self-care journey!

Love,
Dama