The PictureThat Broke Me Open

This is a photograph of me(on the right) and my cousin Sallay (co-owner of Amyang Fashun) at Afropunk NYC. Even now, I am cringing at the thought of publishing this. But I think it's important to highlight what this photo represents for me and my mission. This picture awoke in me a sense of inadequacy that I haven't felt since I first came up with the idea of Dream, Leap, Live, which is to support approval-addicted women in honoring themselves by pursuing their dreams fearlessly and without comparing their journeys to anyone else's. Looking at this picture forced  me to sit with a fear that has haunted me for years:the fear of being exposed as not having it all together. I took one look at this photo and decided that somehow I had failed at life because I didn't look like I had been photoshopped. I laid face-up in bed, two ears full of tears, and philosophizing  with my husband (gentle, patient soul that he is) about whether I am equipped to coach women through their perfectionism, insecurities, and need for external validation when I still do the occasional self-judgment dance myself.

Most people know me as pretty comfortable in my skin, and a lot of the time I am. But looking at this picture let me know that I have a LOT more work to do on accepting myself fully. My discomfort with this picture is not about me needing to lose weight  or tighten and tone my abs, though that's the first place my mind went when I looked at it.  The hard truth is that until I feel as accepting of myself--flaws and all-- as I am motivated by my mission (empowering 10,000 women to get free from the need for other's approval and pursue their dreams unapologetically), I will continue to hold myself back. Poor self-perception will lead me to sabotage my own growth and keep me from living my most delicious life. So that shit needs to stop NOW. I truly believe that I was called to lead women on the journey to self-acceptance and self-expression, so I need to run out of Self-Shame Swamp and into the field of  Fierce, Free, and Fearless.

I want to get to a place where how I see myself trumps everything else, and where I am so busy living up to my own standards that I don't feel  pressure to meet anyone else's. I'm done hiding the "ugly" parts of me. I'm done apologizing for the things that I need to work on. It's up to me to continue doing the work and love myself the whole time. I am not broken. I don't need to be fixed. I was blessed with many gifts and talents that I am happy to share with the world, and if, for whatever reason, someone is too distracted by my jelly to appreciate that, then they can happily kick rocks and rain on somebody else's parade. I dare to show up in the world as a less-than-perfect work in progress, because I know who I really am and what I'm here to do. I know that the woman I need to become to accomplish my mission would never be defeated just because she didn't match someone else's criteria; she would create her own!

This picture and my reactions to it say so much.It's all out there on the table for you: I am a flawed human being. I sometimes compare myself to the women I see in music videos and at the gym. I get insecure. I fantasize about having a flat stomach, radiant skin,  more manageable hair, and  a 26-inch waist. But in the real world-- you know, that place that you and I live in right now--I have a 31-inch waist, a somewhat squishy midriff, occasional breakouts, and kinky coarse hair that does what it feels like doing. And neither my worth nor my deliciousness are affected by any of these things. No matter how I may occur to others, no matter how others may see me, as long as I am accepting of and loving toward myself, I am on track for a life that feels like a luxurious staycation. And isn't that what it's all about?

* I wanna hear from you: What have you been fighting to hide? What kind of person would you need to become to accept that part of you, and how would your life open up if you did? Let me know in the Comments. 

Stop hustling for acceptance!

When I tell people that I teach  people-pleasing women how to identify and ask for what they want, the follow-up question is often "How do you know who to work with?"  The easiest way for me to describe a people-pleaser is this: anyone who says "Yes" when she means "No," or who would rather say "No" to herself than disappoint someone else. Watch this to determine whether you have been bitten by the People-Pleasing Bug.

Women are trained from a young age to make themselves available to everyone but themselves. They may volunteer for projects that they know they don't have time to work on. Or delay major life decisions for fear that they'll disappoint or hurt someone else. Many women (myself included) have even sabotaged life-changing opportunities for fear of being perceived as self-centered. People pleasing makes women go out of their way to avoid being labeled as "selfish," and it builds resentment and bitterness, two huge no-no's for personal growth. Women can make themselves sick working to maintain their reputation of selfless generosity. Something has to give.

Approval addiction is real. People-pleasers are motivated by a sense of obligation, and constantly putting others before yourself can be a hard addiction to break. Most people want to be seen, validated, and  appreciated. But when you become obsessed with being liked or accepted, your self-respect slowly deteriorates, until you're  left with just the shell of who you used to be. Hard truth:You can't be a people-pleaser without also being a fraud. It's hard to remember who you are when you're constantly agonizing over what other people will say or think about you. So get clear on who you are (not to be confused with how you want to occur to others), accept that you can't be everything to everyone, and steal your life back!

Self-possession (the freedom that comes with knowing, accepting, and loving who you are)  becomes possible when you find the courage to make tough choices, even if they are unpopular. When you say "No" and mean it, you may be greeted with shock or upset. But when you are truly secure in your identity, you  come to understand that your alignment and integrity are more important than external validation. Every time you stand for yourself, you communicate that your needs matter. And when you refuse to apologize for who you are and what you want, you make clear that you matter, which makes it easy for others to fall in line and act accordingly.

People-pleasing makes it impossible for you to evolve into the woman you could have been before society told you who to be.Reclaim your right to be a woman you admire. Give yourself permission to set boundaries, take breaks, revisit your passions, and do things that feel good for you. Eliminate that "apology energy" that makes it difficult for you to demand more of your relationships, career, personal development, or your sex life.Let yourself fall in love with life's endless possibilities. To be clear: the decision to stop people-pleasing is not about being selfish;it's about showing self-respect. When you commit to your boundaries, others may pout and manipulate to try to lure you back into the people-pleasing cycle. And you may feel tempted to cave in and avoid conflict. But don't do it, girl. Resist the urge! Stand strong.Honor your commitment to freedom.And please believe the world will adjust.

Recharge, Refresh and Rejuvenate Your Life

Dear Adama,

What do you suggest as good mental health activities? I need a good, affordable recharge.-Fried & Pushed Aside

Dear Fried,

It sounds to me like you need some extreme self-care. I shared a self-care plan on my Facebook page (see it here) that was designed by Andrea Dombecki, Reiki Master Teacher and Angel Therapy Practitioner (details here). A self-care plan can bring peace to a hectic routine and  rejuvenate you when you feel drained; the activities listed in Andrea Dombecki's plan help to prevent burnout and compassion fatigue when you find yourself overextended, over-committed, and burned out.
 In "Working to Cure my Disease to Please"(check it out here) I explained that  freedom is recognizing that you owe it to yourself to make life fun. Self-care plans create more freedom because they force you to carve out time for things that you enjoy. Quality "Me Time" is the only antidote to spreading yourself thin, and it helps you show up more in your relationships and at work. When you are intentional about setting aside time just for you, you have more energy to handle everyday challenges, and you communicate to others that your time and your needs matter.
So how exactly do you start implementing this self-care plan? Make a date with yourself. Every week.I recommend setting aside two hours (20 minutes daily, 2 hours all at once, or however you see fit) to do something sensually empowering, something that makes you use as many of your senses as possible. Get outside if you can.If you have time and access, take a trip to the beach. If not, go to a thrift store, museum, art festival, or a bakery.You can mix and match activities from different sections of Andrea's plan, or choose one activity per week.Use this time to nurture your inner child and channel your creative energy. Be mindful of any resistance that comes up.This time is meant for you, but you may be tempted to invite a friend so you're not alone with your thoughts. Also, if you feel that 2 hours is too long, get real about why you think you don't deserve that pampering.Get really present to what's going on around you and inside you.
If you feel like it's time for you to "press Refresh" on your life, put yourself on your calendar.  Physical exercise, sightseeing, and meditation  are  just a few examples of ways to clear your mind and de-stress. Set self-care appointments (at minimum, once a week) to help you heal and recover from the week. Julia Cameron, author of The Artist's Way--(artist or not, this is a delicious read!)-- calls it an "Artist's Date." I call it "Me Time."You can call it whatever you want, just make sure to honor it--and yourself! Good luck on your self-care journey!

Love,
Dama

This number has NEVER mattered...and I hope I'm not the first to let you know

Dear Adama,

How do I get over shame of my promiscuous behavior in the last several years?  I feel like if any guy knew  how many people I had slept with, they'd stop dating me. –Super Shy in DC

Dear  Super Shy,

No one that matters actually cares about that shit.The end.

But seriously.Girl.If  a man's interest wanes solely because he feels you have slept with "too many people," that man is NOT for you. You are not responsible for tucking any man's (or woman's) misogyny into bed at night.  

Think about the first time someone communicated to you that your worth was stored between your thighs. Think about how much the world loves to police women's sexuality. Now remind yourself that not ONE of these judgment mongers is paying ANY of your bills. (And if they are, shit, you can pay your own damn bills! #girlpower) 

Let me break it down for you.Here is a list (non-exhaustive) of things that DO NOT affect your worth: 

1.Your sexual history and/or experience

2.Your sexual orientation

3.Your number of sex partners

4.How you use sex ( be it for pleasure, for procreation, to build intimacy,  or to kill time!) 

What does determine your worth? The fact that you are a living, feeling creature. Period. Your potential to rock a man's (or anyone's) world is sooo much deeper than your sexual history. And your value is in no way tied to your chastity.You were born worthy. And no one can strip you of your right to #livedeliciously without your consent. So stop consenting to that mess! I mean, it's important for a potential partner to know how many times you have been tested for (or diagnosed with) a sexually transmitted infection. And it may even be important to know how many other people you are dating at once. But  to ask for a rundown of your past lovers? Sounds unnecessary. And insecure. 

Your partnerships should be built around trust, respect, attraction, and compatibility, not around a checklist of archaic standards. I get it. When a woman decides to own and explore her sexuality with multiple partners, she runs the risk of being labeled dirty, slutty, or a"thot" (acronym for "That Ho Over There"). And that shit is exhausting.  But the key to #livingdeliciously is deciding that other people's approval is not needed or requested. I won't speak for men, because I'm not one. But I'll stand for you and say that there is no prize for self-abuse! You're telling yourself a story and then building your life around it.Stop judging yourself for something that you can't change. And stop re-playing the shame tapes of how un-wifeable you are once you hit a certain number of sex partners. No one has to know how many people you have had sex with. And if they do know, your validation does not rest in their opinion of you.  

 Leave your past in the past and your self-judgment at the door. Accept your sexual history, enjoy your sexual present, and empower yourself for your sexual future.  You are fabulous. And sexy. And worthy of all the love you want for yourself. All that other shit is for the birds. Go get yours and stop waiting for permission!

Love,

Dama

Are you on your calendar? Time freedom starts NOW

Time management (or rather, mismanagement) is a topic that has been popping up a lot lately in my circles. When women say "I need to learn how to manage my time effectively,"I hear "I can never finish the projects that matter to me." People blame demanding bosses. They say that there are never enough hours in the day. But the truth is,your time can't be stolen without your permission. So you need to stop giving people the impression that your time doesn't matter.

As I mentioned in my July 9th post  ("Working to Cure My Disease to Please"), you are responsible for teaching others how to treat you. If others refuse to honor your commitments, it's because you communicated that your commitments aren't important. People don't respect your time because you don't respect your time.And in order to prevent burnout and create more time freedom, you need to give yourself structure and demand that others respect that.

 In her video "The 4-Minute Trick for Massive Productivity," business strategist Marie Forleo says that a successful life starts with being intentional about planning each day (Watch here:  http://www.marieforleo.com/2015/07/massively-productive/.)  Marie spends a few moments at bedtime planning out the next day, but I prefer to plan my day while enjoying my morning shower. I learn best through my eyes, so once I get a good idea of what I want my day to look like (and once I'm out of the shower lol)I write down 5 must-do items (in a notebook, on a Post-it, or on a napkin if times are hard) and a plan for how to knock them out. Pick a time and place that you can write out your plan for the day.Try to stick to the same time (and place, if possible). Take a few minutes to write out a list of 5 critical projects that need to get done, and treat that list like a contract. Make it so that you'll lose a privilege if you don't get through the list. For example, I rely on sun-soaking time to refuel, so knowing that I won't let myself leave the building until I get through my must-do projects really helps me keep my eye on the prize.

Create a system that accounts for every waking minute. Not chunks. Every. Single. Minute. Carry a time journal to log your daily activities.  When you're forced to document every move you make,  you're more likely to make those minutes count.

Schedule appointments with yourself ("Me Time") to recharge.  Even if it's a 5 minute nap. Bump what you heard: scheduling time to collect yourself and get present will be the most impactful decision you will make all day. And if you fail to take time for yourself, it will spill over into your projects. If you don't value your time, why should anyone else? Scheduling "Me Time" each day helps you build the discipline that it requires to maintain boundaries (a key piece in living unapologetically, which I'll delve into in another post). Schedule time for interruptions (and call it "Office Hours" if you wanna feel official). Outside of that scheduled interruption time, don't be afraid to close your door, put up a sign, or wear headphones to make clear that you are in the zone and absolutely need to get work done. Practice unplugging/disconnecting by designating an hour a day when you  ignore  your phone and shut off email notifications. Unless you're using social media to generate business, block out social media distractions.Schedule a time to answer your phone calls and emails, and don't stray from the agenda for any unplanned interruptions unless it is absolutely essential. Your time belongs to YOU. Period. But until you live that belief, no one else will honor it.

Get clear on what MUST be completed before the day is done. And have the courage to build your schedule around that decision.Take a few minutes before your workday to write these things down. As I mentioned earlier,  I like to list 5 non-negotiables to focus on over the course of the day. If I check off all 5 before COB, then I do a celebratory body roll and add another 5 items to the list.  And if I manage to complete my first 5 items by noon,  then I reward myself with extra "Me Time." That could be an impromptu dance party in my office ( Heeey Wizkid Pandora station!) It could be a 10 minute walk outside to soak up the sun. Or it could be snacking on something sweet (like an oatmeal cookie  or Sheila's Dream Bar from Potbelly. Chiiiiiile those cookies are crack.)  But come up with an incentive that will energize you, NOT something that you know you'll get anyway. And be intentional about blocking out "productivity killers" (Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, that nosy co-worker that always wants to spill the latest gossip tea).

Keep this up for a week, and watch your productivity soar.  What could you accomplish or enjoy if you felt like you owned your time again? How good would that feel? Write me back and let me know.

Oh...you couldn't TELL that I was Muslim? Which rubric are you using?

 It's been a long week for me, hence the 9-day blog hiatus.Yesterday was Eid al Fitr, a festival marking the end of  Ramadan.  During Ramadan, a month-long religious observance meant to purify the body and mind, Muslims are expected to abstain from food, drink and other pleasures from dawn to dusk.Removing these comforts from daily routine is intended to focus the mind on prayer, spirituality and charity. And every year around this time I get especially introspective.

At yesterday's Eid prayers, I was swept away by the beauty of the moment; hundreds of people of  different races and ethnicities gathered at the Islamic Center of Washington, D.C. to pray and thank God for guiding them through the month. Taking part in Eid festivities makes me proud of my rich cultural heritage. But it also wells up feelings of shame that I have been holding onto for a long time.

For years, I felt uncomfortable going to mosque. I didn't like feeling like other people could tell that I was acting. I was convinced that others would only accept me as a Muslim if  I performed "up to standard". I would have to wear hijab, attend Arabic school, pray 5 times a day, abstain from sex until I was married, and avoid drinking or drug use in order to pass The Test. I made up a story that the world expected me to be polite, subdued, submissive, prude,chaste, quiet,serious, domestic, and BORING. My internal response system would say "Leave that alone--It's haram!"and I would crawl back into my no-fun cave and judge myself for almost giving in to temptation. I spent years trying to be the Golden Child, at my own expense. My perfectionism was so self-centered; I burnt myself out chasing a dream that no one else actually cared about. I was so sure that everyone else was focused on me, that I forgot to focus on me. Foolishness. 

Over the years, I have broken a lot of my religion's "rules". I don't cover up--in fact, I rather enjoy a good Freakum Dress/peek-a-boo back/cleavage surprise.  I pray formally when I can, and practice charity, gratitude, and mindfulness when I can't. I go to mosque maybe twice a year. I curse like a sailor (but not in front of my parents--I'm grown but not that grown!))And i loooove me some whiskey. But I consider myself a card-carrying Muslim nonetheless, because I believe that my religion is for God's consumption  alone. My relationship with God and my level of piety are not up for evaluation.  In other words, what others think about how I practice my spirituality is none of my business. It's a lesson that has taken me a loooong time to learn. But knowing that I could enjoy a life of  adventure and ratchetry  (not a real word, but y'all know what I mean) and still feel complete serenity sweep over me at yesterday's Eid prayers reminds me that God has not forgotten me. He knows who I am and what I stand for, and that's what matters most, right? I'll take your silence as agreement...

As I type this out, I question whether or not I should even publish this post. The last thing I want is to become a target for fundamentalist trolls. But if I want to help people pleasers release their need for others' approval, I need to stand firm and release mine. Years of personal development work have taught me to recognize my Gremlin when he rears his ugly head and tries to stop me from going after  what I want. I say "GET FROM BEHIND ME,GREMLIN, AND LET ME BE GREAT!"Shit.

I have invented the possibility of being fierce, free, fearless, and powerful. And today, I reclaim my power by refusing to be silenced. I am yelling from the mountaintops that it's okay to be you. It's okay to practice or not practice religion, and it's okay to build your own unique relationship with whatever keeps you morally grounded and living on purpose. So, for all my Muslimah queens out there--hijabi, niqaabi, or unveiled--keep doing what works for you as far as your religious practice. Stand in solidarity with Muslims everywhere, even if their style is a bit different than yours. Not everyone is gonna drink the Kool-Aid, but that shouldn't stop you from going about life the way you want to. In order to #livedeliciously, you need to decide how you want to stay grounded. The beauty of religion is that it's up to you. So, Eid Mubarak, congratulations on getting through the fast, and turn up for taraweeh! PEACE

Working to cure my disease to please

As a Delicious Living Consultant, I coach women like me on becoming more sensual, intentional, and unapologetic go-getters. I am committed to helping as many other women as possible blossom into the women they want to be by challenging them to get crystal clear on who they want to become, what legacy they want to leave, and what a delicious life would look like for them. By teaching women how to lead with their strengths, identify their non-negotiables, develop assertiveness, establish boundaries, get in touch with their inner vixen, and practice extreme self-care, I am putting women back in the driver’s seat of their lives. Once a woman gives herself permission to live the life she wants, she is able to enjoy more fulfilling relationships, a soul-satisfying career, earth-shattering orgasms (hey now!), and the serenity that comes with complete self-acceptance.

Freedom is my core value and the lens through which I view the world. I believe that freedom means being  immune to external pressures and detached from other people's standards, opinions, or expectations. It means investing in your own outcomes and choosing what’s important to you.To be truly free is to trust that the Universe is conspiring in your favor. It is inventing your own possibilities and not waiting for permission to be great.  Or having the courage to build your life around your dreams and make decisions from a place of power rather than fear. Freedom is recognizing that you owe it to yourself to make life fun. I got my first taste of freedom when I decided that self-preservation isn’t selfish, and that it’s okay to disappoint others as long as I am serving my highest self. I am responsible for teaching others how to treat me; every time someone violates me and I don’t address it, I communicate that my needs don’t matter.

 Dream, Leap, Live was born out of a need to free myself from the prison of “What others might think.” I was my first client, and I continue to coach myself around setting my own standards. My life is my message. I am doing the work of exploring my hopes, fears, expectations, and strong suits. I am getting honest about my flaws, limiting beliefs, and inconsistencies. I dig deep to identify and re-frame disempowering stories about why I am the way I am. I honor my commitments by recognizing my self-sabotage and stopping it at the door. I hold myself accountable by sharing my goals with people that care enough to remind me when I’m slacking. I put myself out there by asking people to read my blog (I’m sensitive about my shit, so it’s a big step for me to invite people into my brain!)

 I believe that every woman deserves a vibrant and delicious life that she doesn’t need to run away from. But if I want other women to drink the Kool-Aid, I have to take the first sip and show them that it’s safe. The journey to fierce, free, and fearless is demanding, but I think I’m up for the  challenge. You coming?