Dear Adama,
I feel like too much of my self-esteem is tied to how other people perceive me. I care too much about what other people think of me. How can I change this?-Too Eager to Please
Dear Too Eager,
The easiest way to unhook from other people's praise or criticism is to decide that you are enough regardless of how others perceive you. I understand that this is easier said than done. But think about it this way:If you act a certain way to get people to like you,then you'll feel pressure to keep up the act. And no one can be "on" 100% of the time.So, let me give you a few tips for curing your approval addiction. Take what works, and ignore what doesn't. But understand that none of these tips will work unless you do!
- First, accept that you can't be everything to everyone. You're not gonna be everybody's cup of tea. And you don't need to be. It's better to be sincerely loved by people who find your authentic self delicious than to be admired for a beautiful facade.
- Identify your strong suits and assets so that you're not constantly looking to other people to tell you what you're good for. Write out a "Slay List" of the things that you know a lot about, do or handle well, or get complimented on often, and refer to this list whenever you need a confidence boost. That way, you are in charge of validating you, not anyone else.
- Identify the 5 people that you spend the most time with, and make sure that none of them are assholes, emotional vampires, Debby Downers, energy drainers, or users that take and never give. If they are, shed that dead weight and replace them with people that support you and accept you as you are.
- Distance yourself from people that you tend to compare yourself to. Comparison leads to you "should"-ing all over yourself and telling yourself that you're not good enough. NO BUENO.
- Give yourself permission to set boundaries. This means that you're allowed to say "No" when "Yes" doesn't match your schedule (or stress level). It means that you can (and should) take breaks when your body needs rest (even when you have convinced yourself that the world will end if you don't meet a deadline). And it means that you are allowed to ask for what you want ( space, pleasure, self-care) and distance yourself from things that don't serve you.
- Acknowledge that the story you've told yourself about not being worthy is just that--a story--that no longer serves you, because you deserve to be free and self-expressed.Remember: No matter how many mistakes you make, no matter how long it takes you to reach your goals, your self-worth is NEVER on the line. Doesn't it feel good to know that you don't have to DO anything to be worthy of love and connection? Yup. You're welcome.
- Commit to taking leaps and trying new things--even things that you think you'll be bad at-- and trust that the Universe will reward you for it.
As a recovering approval addict, I know all too well that unhooking from other people's expectations is no easy task. But it's so worth it. Your self-expressed, self-possessed, and self-confident self is begging you to start the journey. Happy trails!
