This number has NEVER mattered...and I hope I'm not the first to let you know

Dear Adama,

How do I get over shame of my promiscuous behavior in the last several years?  I feel like if any guy knew  how many people I had slept with, they'd stop dating me. –Super Shy in DC

Dear  Super Shy,

No one that matters actually cares about that shit.The end.

But seriously.Girl.If  a man's interest wanes solely because he feels you have slept with "too many people," that man is NOT for you. You are not responsible for tucking any man's (or woman's) misogyny into bed at night.  

Think about the first time someone communicated to you that your worth was stored between your thighs. Think about how much the world loves to police women's sexuality. Now remind yourself that not ONE of these judgment mongers is paying ANY of your bills. (And if they are, shit, you can pay your own damn bills! #girlpower) 

Let me break it down for you.Here is a list (non-exhaustive) of things that DO NOT affect your worth: 

1.Your sexual history and/or experience

2.Your sexual orientation

3.Your number of sex partners

4.How you use sex ( be it for pleasure, for procreation, to build intimacy,  or to kill time!) 

What does determine your worth? The fact that you are a living, feeling creature. Period. Your potential to rock a man's (or anyone's) world is sooo much deeper than your sexual history. And your value is in no way tied to your chastity.You were born worthy. And no one can strip you of your right to #livedeliciously without your consent. So stop consenting to that mess! I mean, it's important for a potential partner to know how many times you have been tested for (or diagnosed with) a sexually transmitted infection. And it may even be important to know how many other people you are dating at once. But  to ask for a rundown of your past lovers? Sounds unnecessary. And insecure. 

Your partnerships should be built around trust, respect, attraction, and compatibility, not around a checklist of archaic standards. I get it. When a woman decides to own and explore her sexuality with multiple partners, she runs the risk of being labeled dirty, slutty, or a"thot" (acronym for "That Ho Over There"). And that shit is exhausting.  But the key to #livingdeliciously is deciding that other people's approval is not needed or requested. I won't speak for men, because I'm not one. But I'll stand for you and say that there is no prize for self-abuse! You're telling yourself a story and then building your life around it.Stop judging yourself for something that you can't change. And stop re-playing the shame tapes of how un-wifeable you are once you hit a certain number of sex partners. No one has to know how many people you have had sex with. And if they do know, your validation does not rest in their opinion of you.  

 Leave your past in the past and your self-judgment at the door. Accept your sexual history, enjoy your sexual present, and empower yourself for your sexual future.  You are fabulous. And sexy. And worthy of all the love you want for yourself. All that other shit is for the birds. Go get yours and stop waiting for permission!

Love,

Dama

Are you on your calendar? Time freedom starts NOW

Time management (or rather, mismanagement) is a topic that has been popping up a lot lately in my circles. When women say "I need to learn how to manage my time effectively,"I hear "I can never finish the projects that matter to me." People blame demanding bosses. They say that there are never enough hours in the day. But the truth is,your time can't be stolen without your permission. So you need to stop giving people the impression that your time doesn't matter.

As I mentioned in my July 9th post  ("Working to Cure My Disease to Please"), you are responsible for teaching others how to treat you. If others refuse to honor your commitments, it's because you communicated that your commitments aren't important. People don't respect your time because you don't respect your time.And in order to prevent burnout and create more time freedom, you need to give yourself structure and demand that others respect that.

 In her video "The 4-Minute Trick for Massive Productivity," business strategist Marie Forleo says that a successful life starts with being intentional about planning each day (Watch here:  http://www.marieforleo.com/2015/07/massively-productive/.)  Marie spends a few moments at bedtime planning out the next day, but I prefer to plan my day while enjoying my morning shower. I learn best through my eyes, so once I get a good idea of what I want my day to look like (and once I'm out of the shower lol)I write down 5 must-do items (in a notebook, on a Post-it, or on a napkin if times are hard) and a plan for how to knock them out. Pick a time and place that you can write out your plan for the day.Try to stick to the same time (and place, if possible). Take a few minutes to write out a list of 5 critical projects that need to get done, and treat that list like a contract. Make it so that you'll lose a privilege if you don't get through the list. For example, I rely on sun-soaking time to refuel, so knowing that I won't let myself leave the building until I get through my must-do projects really helps me keep my eye on the prize.

Create a system that accounts for every waking minute. Not chunks. Every. Single. Minute. Carry a time journal to log your daily activities.  When you're forced to document every move you make,  you're more likely to make those minutes count.

Schedule appointments with yourself ("Me Time") to recharge.  Even if it's a 5 minute nap. Bump what you heard: scheduling time to collect yourself and get present will be the most impactful decision you will make all day. And if you fail to take time for yourself, it will spill over into your projects. If you don't value your time, why should anyone else? Scheduling "Me Time" each day helps you build the discipline that it requires to maintain boundaries (a key piece in living unapologetically, which I'll delve into in another post). Schedule time for interruptions (and call it "Office Hours" if you wanna feel official). Outside of that scheduled interruption time, don't be afraid to close your door, put up a sign, or wear headphones to make clear that you are in the zone and absolutely need to get work done. Practice unplugging/disconnecting by designating an hour a day when you  ignore  your phone and shut off email notifications. Unless you're using social media to generate business, block out social media distractions.Schedule a time to answer your phone calls and emails, and don't stray from the agenda for any unplanned interruptions unless it is absolutely essential. Your time belongs to YOU. Period. But until you live that belief, no one else will honor it.

Get clear on what MUST be completed before the day is done. And have the courage to build your schedule around that decision.Take a few minutes before your workday to write these things down. As I mentioned earlier,  I like to list 5 non-negotiables to focus on over the course of the day. If I check off all 5 before COB, then I do a celebratory body roll and add another 5 items to the list.  And if I manage to complete my first 5 items by noon,  then I reward myself with extra "Me Time." That could be an impromptu dance party in my office ( Heeey Wizkid Pandora station!) It could be a 10 minute walk outside to soak up the sun. Or it could be snacking on something sweet (like an oatmeal cookie  or Sheila's Dream Bar from Potbelly. Chiiiiiile those cookies are crack.)  But come up with an incentive that will energize you, NOT something that you know you'll get anyway. And be intentional about blocking out "productivity killers" (Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, that nosy co-worker that always wants to spill the latest gossip tea).

Keep this up for a week, and watch your productivity soar.  What could you accomplish or enjoy if you felt like you owned your time again? How good would that feel? Write me back and let me know.

Oh...you couldn't TELL that I was Muslim? Which rubric are you using?

 It's been a long week for me, hence the 9-day blog hiatus.Yesterday was Eid al Fitr, a festival marking the end of  Ramadan.  During Ramadan, a month-long religious observance meant to purify the body and mind, Muslims are expected to abstain from food, drink and other pleasures from dawn to dusk.Removing these comforts from daily routine is intended to focus the mind on prayer, spirituality and charity. And every year around this time I get especially introspective.

At yesterday's Eid prayers, I was swept away by the beauty of the moment; hundreds of people of  different races and ethnicities gathered at the Islamic Center of Washington, D.C. to pray and thank God for guiding them through the month. Taking part in Eid festivities makes me proud of my rich cultural heritage. But it also wells up feelings of shame that I have been holding onto for a long time.

For years, I felt uncomfortable going to mosque. I didn't like feeling like other people could tell that I was acting. I was convinced that others would only accept me as a Muslim if  I performed "up to standard". I would have to wear hijab, attend Arabic school, pray 5 times a day, abstain from sex until I was married, and avoid drinking or drug use in order to pass The Test. I made up a story that the world expected me to be polite, subdued, submissive, prude,chaste, quiet,serious, domestic, and BORING. My internal response system would say "Leave that alone--It's haram!"and I would crawl back into my no-fun cave and judge myself for almost giving in to temptation. I spent years trying to be the Golden Child, at my own expense. My perfectionism was so self-centered; I burnt myself out chasing a dream that no one else actually cared about. I was so sure that everyone else was focused on me, that I forgot to focus on me. Foolishness. 

Over the years, I have broken a lot of my religion's "rules". I don't cover up--in fact, I rather enjoy a good Freakum Dress/peek-a-boo back/cleavage surprise.  I pray formally when I can, and practice charity, gratitude, and mindfulness when I can't. I go to mosque maybe twice a year. I curse like a sailor (but not in front of my parents--I'm grown but not that grown!))And i loooove me some whiskey. But I consider myself a card-carrying Muslim nonetheless, because I believe that my religion is for God's consumption  alone. My relationship with God and my level of piety are not up for evaluation.  In other words, what others think about how I practice my spirituality is none of my business. It's a lesson that has taken me a loooong time to learn. But knowing that I could enjoy a life of  adventure and ratchetry  (not a real word, but y'all know what I mean) and still feel complete serenity sweep over me at yesterday's Eid prayers reminds me that God has not forgotten me. He knows who I am and what I stand for, and that's what matters most, right? I'll take your silence as agreement...

As I type this out, I question whether or not I should even publish this post. The last thing I want is to become a target for fundamentalist trolls. But if I want to help people pleasers release their need for others' approval, I need to stand firm and release mine. Years of personal development work have taught me to recognize my Gremlin when he rears his ugly head and tries to stop me from going after  what I want. I say "GET FROM BEHIND ME,GREMLIN, AND LET ME BE GREAT!"Shit.

I have invented the possibility of being fierce, free, fearless, and powerful. And today, I reclaim my power by refusing to be silenced. I am yelling from the mountaintops that it's okay to be you. It's okay to practice or not practice religion, and it's okay to build your own unique relationship with whatever keeps you morally grounded and living on purpose. So, for all my Muslimah queens out there--hijabi, niqaabi, or unveiled--keep doing what works for you as far as your religious practice. Stand in solidarity with Muslims everywhere, even if their style is a bit different than yours. Not everyone is gonna drink the Kool-Aid, but that shouldn't stop you from going about life the way you want to. In order to #livedeliciously, you need to decide how you want to stay grounded. The beauty of religion is that it's up to you. So, Eid Mubarak, congratulations on getting through the fast, and turn up for taraweeh! PEACE

Working to cure my disease to please

As a Delicious Living Consultant, I coach women like me on becoming more sensual, intentional, and unapologetic go-getters. I am committed to helping as many other women as possible blossom into the women they want to be by challenging them to get crystal clear on who they want to become, what legacy they want to leave, and what a delicious life would look like for them. By teaching women how to lead with their strengths, identify their non-negotiables, develop assertiveness, establish boundaries, get in touch with their inner vixen, and practice extreme self-care, I am putting women back in the driver’s seat of their lives. Once a woman gives herself permission to live the life she wants, she is able to enjoy more fulfilling relationships, a soul-satisfying career, earth-shattering orgasms (hey now!), and the serenity that comes with complete self-acceptance.

Freedom is my core value and the lens through which I view the world. I believe that freedom means being  immune to external pressures and detached from other people's standards, opinions, or expectations. It means investing in your own outcomes and choosing what’s important to you.To be truly free is to trust that the Universe is conspiring in your favor. It is inventing your own possibilities and not waiting for permission to be great.  Or having the courage to build your life around your dreams and make decisions from a place of power rather than fear. Freedom is recognizing that you owe it to yourself to make life fun. I got my first taste of freedom when I decided that self-preservation isn’t selfish, and that it’s okay to disappoint others as long as I am serving my highest self. I am responsible for teaching others how to treat me; every time someone violates me and I don’t address it, I communicate that my needs don’t matter.

 Dream, Leap, Live was born out of a need to free myself from the prison of “What others might think.” I was my first client, and I continue to coach myself around setting my own standards. My life is my message. I am doing the work of exploring my hopes, fears, expectations, and strong suits. I am getting honest about my flaws, limiting beliefs, and inconsistencies. I dig deep to identify and re-frame disempowering stories about why I am the way I am. I honor my commitments by recognizing my self-sabotage and stopping it at the door. I hold myself accountable by sharing my goals with people that care enough to remind me when I’m slacking. I put myself out there by asking people to read my blog (I’m sensitive about my shit, so it’s a big step for me to invite people into my brain!)

 I believe that every woman deserves a vibrant and delicious life that she doesn’t need to run away from. But if I want other women to drink the Kool-Aid, I have to take the first sip and show them that it’s safe. The journey to fierce, free, and fearless is demanding, but I think I’m up for the  challenge. You coming?

Let yourself be delicious--Your future self will thank you!

A few days ago, I sat down with a student (let's call her "Vicki") to help her prepare for a job interview. After 10 minutes, I was exhausted. I asked her what she does better than most people she knows. I asked her what she has been recognized for by past supervisors. I asked her what she gets complimented on. I asked her what she does seemingly effortlessly. And she had nothing for me. I've been meeting with this student every week since mid- October, so I've gotten a pretty good grasp of what would  make her desirable to an employer. But after 21 years of knowing herself, Vicki couldn't identify a SINGLE strong suit. She really  struggled to describe her strengths.But she had no problem listing her weaknesses and challenges, though...

I know Vicki is not alone in this.My question to you is: Why is it so damn difficult for women to say what they're good at?   

My guess is that we’re afraid to sound egotistical.When you think about it, humility is the ultimate compliment for a woman, and self-assurance is deemed masculine and unladylike. Somewhere along the way, we adopted the idea that women need to minimize their gifts, or dumb themselves down to be likable. We hide our superpowers so we won’t come off as conceited or unapproachable. God forbid we scare off our Knight in Shining Armor! (Cue eye roll.)  

As  a Delicious Living Consultant, it is my duty to do whatever I can to help the women around me find the courage to  love themselves and create a life that reflects that. And I can’t do that if I’m constantly downplaying my skills and accomplishments to make people like me. Plus, when I focus on what I do well, I  release pressure to excel in all areas.(I'm a perfectionist, so this helps me sleep better!)

       

Sometimes it feels impossible to move past the flood of media messages insisting that I am not enough. Not rich enough.  Not toned enough. Not pretty enough. Not accomplished enough.Not girly enough. The list goes on. But I decided that I am done letting that noise dictate my worth. I am enough. I am valuable as I am. I am a force to be reckoned with, and I don't need TV/ magazines/ billboards/ Facebook/Twitter/Hollywood to approve.  Every time I compliment myself (or accept a compliment from someone else), I  am invigorated. Acknowledging my contributions lets others know that disrespecting me is not an option. By agreeing to own my power, I am letting  other women (particularly less self-possessed women)  know that they have permission to be bold. If no one else has told you, let me be the first: You don't owe it to ANYbody to dim your light. In fact, you owe it to yourself to shine as bright as you possibly can, so you can help others see their way out of the dark.

In short, The road to unshaken courage  starts with a conscious decision to gloat. So talk about your strengths. Take pride in what you do well. Be your own hype woman.  Revel in your glory. You have permission to be great--now go do something with it!

Here's to you

The truth of the matter is, I have no idea what I'll be talking about in this blog. All I know is that I have to write something. I have to write for women like me. And for women that remind me of my former self, the self that used to ask for permission to truly enjoy life.

 I'm writing this blog for all the women determined to do good (in the world) but afraid of looking bad.For the "good girls" too busy keeping everyone else comfortable to notice their internal light dimming. For the purpose-driven women who are passionate about making an impact but unsure of where to start.  And the women desperate to make a clean break from  conformist clock-in culture. I write for women who want to invest in themselves but worry that they're not enough. And for the women who dream of making it big but have gotten comfortable staying small. I hope that this blog resonates with women who aren't exactly sure of their strengths, but refuse to  accept that their life is purposeless.

I'm posting this for the independent women who are sick and  tired of trying to convince their mothers that they really are fine without a man in their lives. For the tomboys, the freaks, the nerds, the "other" women. For the trans* women  caving under the pressure to "pass"  as female, and for the lesbian,bi, and queer-identified women sick and tired of trying to perform their womanhood up to standard. I wanna let women everywhere know that they are "doing" womanhood just fine, as long as it works for them. And if it doesn't, I hope I can help them find what they need to feel complete.

I'm talking to the free spirits trapped in approval junkies' bodies and for the  quirky queens exhausted from years of trying to force a square peg into a round hole. I'm writing this  for the women who occur to others as confident and self-expressed, but have been hiding under a cloak of perfection and hoping no one notices that they don't actually have it all together. And for the goddesses that understand that confidence isn't about convincing yourself that everybody loves you, but about accepting that others' opinions of you are irrelevant.

Dream, Leap, Live posts are for women who have the audacity to expect more from life. Women well-trained to stay quiet about what they want so as to avoid rocking the boat. Women who hold themselves back from orgasm because they don't know that they deserve to feel good too. Women who fail to assert themselves because they would rather be approachable than unique.

I want to speak to women who are done apologizing for wanting to indulge. Women who want to learn how to distinguish between intuition and resistance, so that their inner voice isn't silenced by a need to stay "safe" or "practical." Women turned on by the idea of a life that  isn't fueled by external validation. Women who need a companion on the journey to self-acceptance. I want to remind women in as many ways as possible that it is their birth right to live deliciously. I know that it's  a long journey to getting 100% comfortable in your skin. I hope that you'll join me. Welcome to Dream, Leap, Live.